Even though this month I am on a break from the injections, medications and ultrasounds I still feel on edge.
I snap at the smallest confrontation, tear up at anything that doesn't go my way and feel extreme anger, most of the time, and to boot, it's usually at no one in particular. All while trying to keep a smile on my face to most of the outside world... but unfortunately not not my poor husband.
I feel guilty for it and then entitled all in the same swoop... how is this possible?!!?
It just happened as I was sitting here reading some other blogs, my husband and I had an argument over Christmas spending. He gently raised a few concerns about my spending so far and in response I snapped. I tried to turn it on him for being mean about the gifts I'd bought, and ruining the Christmas spirit I had when buying the gifts, and that he should just return them all. I was being a big, giant bitch. Technically I still am, the smug apology I offered doesn't count. And the worst part is, I'm not like this. This isn't me but it's become me. Ugh. This is where the guilt/entilted part comes in to play. I am the one who has to be at every appt, getting probed/poked etc so I have a right to be mean... but then the rational side says "that's stupid, smarten up!" It's really not just me going through this.
I guess when it comes down to it we all deal with stress differently. Before our wedding I was getting really stressed out, but it was a cute, blissful stress and all that happened was I'd forget everything. Honestly, EVERYTHING! But I got into the habit of writing as much as I could remember down, problem mostly solved.
Going through this fertility process I kept saying each month, well at least we're trying something new, doing a different test and continuously moving forward, and it wasn't too hard for me to stay positive. Now, I have a month off. No appointments to get to, no medications to remember, sex for the purpose of enjoying sex, a drink here and there to relax.... and yet, I don't feel any more relaxed. Just because we are taking a break doesn't mean that my brain ever does. I constantly think about the next step, the date 9 months from now, what's wrong with me, will this ever happen, all while trying to seem normal to the outside world.
Things I need to seriously look into:
1) Schedule a massage. I love a good massage, too bad the hubby hates giving them :( But thankfully I can pay someone else to give 'em.
2) Seriously consider acupuncture. I hear it's good for unexplained infertility and stress relief.
3) Talk to the on-site psychologist... it's free of charge for crying out loud!
I think this month would be a good month to really get a handle on things so that when we get back into the swing of things it will be with the right attitude. And hopefully a fresh take on this journey.
Gotta keep looking at the bright side.
And now... time to go and make that genuine apology.