Why the blog??
In the 10min that I've been attempting to write something here I've erased and started over 4 times. I'm confident that this last sentance here will be permanant but as for the rest I'm not so sure...I'll probably type a bit, go back, read it, erase and start over. I wish that I could just type with ease and never look back. But I can't. I'd also love to be able to say that I can't because I'm a perfectionist, but that isn't it either. It's because I don't want to look stupid when someone reads what I have written.
"I don't want to look stupid"
And I guess this is why I created this blog.
Believe it or not, I'm realizing this all as I'm typing this out. Which is odd but quite cathartic AND less expensive than the lady that's charging me $225 per hour to help me come to the same conclusions. Huh. This blog may be more helpful than I thought.
To get back to my point of why this blog has been started...
I feel like I want to keep some parts of my life private and my infertility struggle is one of them. I know, a blog... private? Thing is, no one knows about this and as long as I keep it private from my family that's what is important to me. Who knows, maybe one day that will change but as for now I'll embrace it.
Things that my crazy brain thinks of when I think of telling my family what my husband and I are going through:
1) They'll pity us. Pity. I hate it. Please don't say "Awww, poor guys, that must be so difficult" etc, all while scrunching up your face. I can see it. It's all in the face scrunch. And I know that 3/4 of our family will have this reaction. Which than leads me to point 2.
2) Where I then have to defend that I don't feel horrible about it. "No, really, it's ok. We aren't really in a rush. I'm sure it'll happen for us soon" And now, somehow I'm am the one doing the reassuring.
3) My biggest insecurity and always has been is my stomach. I don't like it, never have. I really don't want people always checking to see if there is anything starting to protrude. I don't like giving the death stare and I'm sure people don't like getting it.
4) The select few that do know about our situation have me tired of talking about what's going on. At first opportunity they want an update and want to know what's next. AND I KNOW that it's because people care and that's why they want to know what is going on in our lives but I have other things going on in my life that I enjoy talking about. Eg. I play soccer, have a dog, enjoy working out, read great books, watch stupid movies, go interesting places. These are the things that keep me sane so I'd rather discuss them unless I bring up the fertility struggle. I'll let you know if I am interested in talking about it.
5) Advice. It's great when asked for, but I really don't want people giving me suggestions. I have the best doctor in Ontario so I'm pretty sure he's the one I'll be listening too.
6) The words of one person who know what I'm going through said "Wow, you are dealing with this way better than I ever would be!". Couple ways to take this. Compliment? Maybe. But how I take it. "Holy crap, that is the WORST. You should be crying and devestated... and totally consumed" And I fear this ever being said to me again. Seriously, I'm on hormones and really don't want to harm my close family and friends... I shouldn't harm my close family and friends. Sometimes I want to but at least I still have the restaint. For now.
I could probably go on but before I sound too bitter I'll stop :)
Basically I have started this blog to give myself an outlet and allow myself to do this so I don't obsess and spend hours searching every variation of "infertility" on google as well as to allow myself to talk freely and without reservation. And if a few people find it helpful or funny along the way than that makes me happy too. Please feel free to leave a comment or email me with any questions ANYTIME.
Me - 27, 5'7, 135lbs. Athletic, mostly I eat vegitarian but also eat fish, enjoy my wine and baths but those 2 friends have been on a hiatus for a while. What a weird summary...
Husband - 27, 6'4, 220. Handsome. Really sweet. He eats lots of meat and anything unhealthy, loves beer, loves drinking lots of beer.
Our infertility diagnoses as of this morning:
Unexplained. I'll get into details in my next post.
2006 - March - Started dating my husband. Was on the pill when we started dating then I went to the Nuva ring as I have a horrible memory and couldn't take the damn pill daily. Nuva ring then made me crazy so I stopped that and moved on to the pull and pray. So responsible I know.
2008 - Married in October.
2010- October we started trying.
2011 - December I went to the doctor for antibiotics for a urinary tract infection and the doctor referred us to a fertility clinic. I had been wanting to leave it for awhile as I knew that life would change once we started going.
2012 - January we started at the fertility clinic with Dr. M
So, like I mentioned earlier, the next blog will bring you up to speed on where we are with what we've been through over the last 10 and a bit months with the fertility specialist and I'll include what's up with both myself and my husband's issues.