Wednesday, 12 December 2012

Ahh the crazy comes out...

Even though this month I am on a break from the injections, medications and ultrasounds I still feel on edge.

I snap at the smallest confrontation, tear up at anything that doesn't go my way and feel extreme anger, most of the time, and to boot, it's usually at no one in particular. All while trying to keep a smile on my face to most of the outside world... but unfortunately not not my poor husband.

I feel guilty for it and then entitled all in the same swoop... how is this possible?!!?

It just happened as I was sitting here reading some other blogs, my husband and I had an argument over Christmas spending. He gently raised a few concerns about my spending so far and in response I snapped. I tried to turn it on him for being mean about the gifts I'd bought, and ruining the Christmas spirit I had when buying the gifts, and that he should just return them all. I was being a big, giant bitch. Technically I still am, the smug apology I offered doesn't count. And the worst part is, I'm not like this. This isn't me but it's become me. Ugh. This is where the guilt/entilted part comes in to play.  I am the one who has to be at every appt, getting probed/poked etc so I have a right to be mean... but then the rational side says "that's stupid, smarten up!" It's really not just me going through this.

I guess when it comes down to it we all deal with stress differently. Before our wedding I was getting really stressed out, but it was a cute, blissful stress and all that happened was I'd forget everything. Honestly, EVERYTHING! But I got into the habit of writing as much as I could remember down, problem mostly solved.

Going through this fertility process I kept saying each month, well at least we're trying something new, doing a different test and continuously moving forward, and it wasn't too hard for me to stay positive. Now, I have a month off. No appointments to get to, no medications to remember, sex for the purpose of enjoying sex, a drink here and there to relax.... and yet, I don't feel any more relaxed. Just because we are taking a break doesn't mean that my brain ever does. I constantly think about the next step, the date 9 months from now, what's wrong with me, will this ever happen, all while trying to seem normal to the outside world.

Things I need to seriously look into:

1) Schedule a massage. I love a good massage, too bad the hubby hates giving them :( But thankfully I can pay someone else to give 'em.

2) Seriously consider acupuncture. I hear it's good for unexplained infertility and stress relief.

3) Talk to the on-site psychologist... it's free of charge for crying out loud!

I think this month would be a good month to really get a handle on things so that when we get back into the swing of things it will be with the right attitude. And hopefully a fresh take on this journey.

Gotta keep looking at the bright side.

And now... time to go and make that genuine apology.

Monday, 10 December 2012

My story

High school years:

Since the day I got my period at 13 the only time that I had a normal and painless cycle was when I was on the pill... which didn't happen until I was 18. They were very irregular in length and I remember spending the first day of every cycle curled up in bed in tremendous pain.

College years:

I bumped around with 3 different types of birth control, first the pill, then the patch, then the pill, then I tried the Nuva Ring. I was highly irresponsible with taking the pill, and the patch was a perfect match but I didn't like the ring of dirt around the edges of the patch. The Nuva ring seemed a good fit until it made me repel my boyfriend(now husband) and revolt at the thought of him touching me. After stopping the ring things went back to normal but decided it was best to  scrap the ring and I was then au natural. My periods were few and far between. In the beginning they were short in length, by the time my husband and I got married they had started to become troublesome.

2008: I experienced a period that lasted 3 weeks and from beginning to end it never let up. This wasn't my only lengthy period so I was sent to an OBGYN. She put me on Prometrium to start regularly bringing on my periods. This seemed to work but I was concerned that since it was to bring on a period it was highly unlikely I was ovulating. My doctor "tried" to reassure me that if you have a period you DEFINITELY ovulate. I went for a few follow-ups. And was told things were fine.

2009: My GP does my yearly checkup and decided that this time he was going to do the whole pre-pregnancy check-up, just in case. He also encouraged me to try and get pregnant at this time because after a pregnancy things tend to go back to normal. LOL Anyway, all came back great. I started taking Vitex to try and get my periods on my own and shortly after I started to get them fairly regularly.

2010: On our 2nd anniversary we decided we wanted to start trying. Given my history we figured that it would be difficult for us so it was no surprise when a year came and went and we could have been referred to a fertility clinic. I wasn't interested in this at first so I didn't go back to our GP until December when I had a UTI (which I am very prone to). He decided it was time for us to go to the RE.

2012: January we started at the clinic. Initial tests showed C had a lower sperm count in the range of 15 million. From my ultrasounds I was told that they could tell I had very irregular periods. Not sure how but either way, they could and they were right. This is just a quick overview, I know there are plenty of details missing but I didn't keep track of everything as I probably should have.

Feb 14th: Happy Valentines to me ... HSG test was performed. Thankfully everything came back great, uterus is in great shape and the tubes appear to be completely unblocked.

March 27: Start taking Femera. No ovulation

May 1st: Start taking Chlomid. No ovulation

June 5th: Start taking a combo of Femera and Chlomid. No ovulation

July 17th: Start taking Bravera. No ovulation

Aug 5th: Day one begins and we are advised that we are waiting to hear about the IUI which should be any day so we sit this month out

Sept 17th: And this month too.

Oct Oct 24th: Consultation for IUI. Turns out I have a good looking follicle at 1.9, given trigger and advised on timed intercourse. Nadda but was worth a shot.

Nov 10th: Go in for day three blood and u/s... turns out there is a large cyst on my left ovary, approx. 5cmx5cm. Depending on how my estrogen comes back they will have it drained or get me to sit this cycle out. After results came back I was advised to come in the next day to have the cyst drained. This decision was made by an on-call doctor and my doctor later says he wouldn't have recommended as it is quite uncomfortable, but at least it allowed us to move forward with the IUI.

Nov 20th: Its the big day!! C's sperm came back at 42mil with 90% motility!! Things went great, not painful, only mildly uncomfortable. Beta is scheduled for Dec 8th.

Dec 5th: Day one shows up with a vengeance.

Dec 6th: Go in to have blood and u/s. The giant jerk cyst is back. Same size as it was before the draining. Talked with Dr M and he decided that it's time for some extra tests to be done. As far as my blood work is concerned my hormones are great, AMH is 35, C's sperm is seeming to be pretty good. The reason I'm not ovulating is unknown. So C is going for a DNA fragment sperm test, likely Monday Dec. 17th. Depending on the outcome I will most likely be going for a laproscopy. Based on my period pain its possible that I have mild endo. We are sitting this cycle out again but we'll keep on practising.

Saturday, 8 December 2012

•“Focus on the future, not on the past because better days lie ahead”

My husband and I have been asked to take this cycle off to see if the giant cyst living on my ovary will clear up and as well to do more testing on C's sperm. We were a little discouraged to be sitting this cycle out but I decided of all the months that this could happen December is probably the best and here's why:

1.  Booze- I love Bailey's on the rocks as my Christmas eve drink and with New Years less than a month away I'll be able to indulge and let loose... it's definitely been a while.

2.  No drugs- Being hormone free means that I'll be able to handle being around all of C's family and not be a monster, be able to prevent a meltdown.

3.  No drugs-I know that I already said that but seriously, not having to give myself injections deserves another bullet...there are also lots of things going on and not having to make sure I take those shots at the same time is definitely one less thing to stress over.

4.  Money- the money that we would have spent on another cycle has freed up some cash for Christmas presents.

5.  Not late for work- skipping this cycle also means NO APPOINTMENTS! I tend to be a bit late for work in the morning

6. No ultrasounds- I'm completely used to having all sorts of people hanging around my area but it's nice to have a break for a while.

7. Soccer- during a cycle I'm not able to play soccer due to my ovaries being stimulated and more suseptable to injury so thankfully I can play for a few weeks this month.

Now don't get me wrong, more than anything I'd love to be making an announcement as a Christmas present to my parents but I'm not and need to find the upside of that.

Thursday, 6 December 2012

So the blogging begins...

Why the blog??

In the 10min that I've been attempting to write something here I've erased and started over 4 times. I'm confident that this last sentance here will be permanant but as for the rest I'm not so sure...I'll probably type a bit, go back, read it, erase and start over. I wish that I could just type with ease and never look back. But I can't. I'd also love to be able to say that I can't because I'm a perfectionist, but that isn't it either. It's because I don't want to look stupid when someone reads what I have written.

"I don't want to look stupid"

And I guess this is why I created this blog.

Believe it or not, I'm realizing this all as I'm typing this out. Which is odd but quite cathartic AND less expensive than the lady that's charging me $225 per hour to help me come to the same conclusions. Huh. This blog may be more helpful than I thought.

To get back to my point of why this blog has been started...

 I feel like I want to keep some parts of my life private and my infertility struggle is one of them. I know, a blog... private? Thing is, no one knows about this and as long as I keep it private from my family that's what is important to me. Who knows, maybe one day that will change but as for now I'll embrace it.

Things that my crazy brain thinks of when I think of telling my family what my husband and I are going through:

1) They'll pity us. Pity. I hate it. Please don't say "Awww, poor guys, that must be so difficult" etc, all while scrunching up your face. I can see it. It's all in the face scrunch. And I know that 3/4 of our family will have this reaction. Which than leads me to point 2.

2)  Where I then have to defend that I don't feel horrible about it. "No, really, it's ok. We aren't really in a rush. I'm sure it'll happen for us soon" And now, somehow I'm am the one doing the reassuring.

3) My biggest insecurity and always has been is my stomach. I don't like it, never have. I really don't want people always checking to see if there is anything starting to protrude. I don't like giving the death stare and I'm sure people don't like getting it.

4) The select few that do know about our situation have me tired of talking about what's going on. At first opportunity they want an update and want to know what's next. AND I KNOW that it's because people care and that's why they want to know what is going on in our lives but I have other things going on in my life that I enjoy talking about. Eg. I play soccer, have a dog, enjoy working out, read great books, watch stupid movies, go interesting places. These are the things that keep me sane so I'd rather discuss them unless I bring up the fertility struggle. I'll let you know if I am interested in talking about it.

5) Advice. It's great when asked for, but I really don't want people giving me suggestions. I have the best doctor in Ontario so I'm pretty sure he's the one I'll be listening too.

6) The words of one person who know what I'm going through said "Wow, you are dealing with this way better than I ever would be!". Couple ways to take this. Compliment? Maybe. But how I take it. "Holy crap, that is the WORST. You should be crying and devestated... and totally consumed" And I fear this ever being said to me again. Seriously, I'm on hormones and really don't want to harm my close family and friends... I shouldn't harm my close family and friends. Sometimes I want to but at least I still have the restaint. For now.

I could probably go on but before I sound too bitter I'll stop :)

Basically I have started this blog to give myself an outlet and allow myself to do this so I don't obsess and spend hours searching every variation of "infertility" on google as well as to allow myself to talk freely and without reservation. And if a few people find it helpful or funny along the way than that makes me happy too. Please feel free to leave a comment or email me with any questions ANYTIME.

Quick bio's:

Me - 27, 5'7, 135lbs. Athletic, mostly I eat vegitarian but also eat fish, enjoy my wine and baths but those 2 friends have been on a hiatus for a while. What a weird summary...

Husband - 27, 6'4, 220. Handsome. Really sweet. He eats lots of meat and anything unhealthy, loves beer, loves drinking lots of beer.

Our infertility diagnoses as of this morning:

Unexplained. I'll get into details in my next post.


2006 - March - Started dating my husband. Was on the pill when we started dating then I went to the Nuva ring as I have a horrible memory and couldn't take the damn pill daily. Nuva ring then made me crazy so I stopped that and moved on to the pull and pray. So responsible I know.

2008 - Married in October.

2010- October we started trying.

2011 - December I went to the doctor for antibiotics for a urinary tract infection and the doctor referred us to a fertility clinic. I had been wanting to leave it for awhile as I knew that life would change once we started going.

2012 - January we started at the fertility clinic with Dr. M


So, like I mentioned earlier, the next blog will bring you up to speed on where we are with what we've been through over the last 10 and a bit months with the fertility specialist and I'll include what's up with both myself and my husband's issues.